Tuesday, July 29, 2014 20:50

Shark Night 3D (2011)

[This review CONTAINS SPOILERS, but who cares since no one’s gonna see it!!]

I think I owe a sincere apology to the people over at the SyFy Channel.  I’ve been pretty hard on them when it comes to their SyFy Originals.  Sure they all essentially share the same plot.  Sure they all have the same stock characters.  Sure the acting and dialogue is sometimes laughable.  Sure the special f/x (which are always CGI) are often poorly executed.  Damn; where was I going with this?  Oh yeah … SyFy Originals are guilty of all these things.  But ya know what?  Despite all their flaws, about 80-85% of SyFy Originals still manage to be fun.  They are silly, eye-rolling, ‘get together with your buddies and beer’ films.  The same cannot be said about SHARK NIGHT 3D.  Not even close.  Let me give you the short version of this review:  SHARK NIGHT 3D is one of the worse pieces of trash I’ve seen in a really long time.  The story is lazy and insulting, the dialogue it absolutely mind-numbing, the acting is terrible, and the f/x are laughable.  SHARK NIGHT 3D is a movie that the SyFy Channel would reject, and I hated every goddamn minute of it.

You wanna hear more?  Okay, but remember that you asked for it.  Like any good ‘creature attacks’ film, this one starts off with some bimbo getting killed.  She’s out swimming with her boyfriend in a salt water lake.  The boyfriend goes into the camper and a shark attacks and kills her.

Roll opening credits.

Next; start introducing the future shark poop.  There’s Nick (Dustin Milligan), the nerdy yet hunky college student trying to get into medical school; Sara (Sara Paxton), the main girl and Nick’s love interest who has a traumatic past; Beth (Katharine McPhee, who was on AMERICAN IDOL), the slutty, hardcore girl who falls to pieces at the first sign of trouble; Gordon (Joel David Moore), the comedy relief, goofy guy (Moore is playing the exact same character he played in HATCHET); Blake (Chris Zylka), who poses nude for all the art classes on campus; Malik (Sinqua Walls), the black guy; and Maya (Alyssa Diaz), Malik’s Hispanic girlfriend (I guess it’s best to keep all the minorities together).  As the gang all gathers together for their big weekend we learn a little about them … very little.  There is zero character development here, but we get tons of really dumb, inane dialogue to make up for it.

As soon as they get to the bayou they run into one racist redneck after another, reinforcing the Hollywood view that the South is made up only of uneducated, racist hicks, the two main ones being Carl (Jimmy Lee Jr.) and Dennis (Chris Carmack).  As it turns out, Sara once had a relationship with Dennis (ho-hum).  Then I guess writers Will Hayes and Jesse Studenberg suddenly realize that they have two minorities walking around who haven’t been killed off yet.  Yes people, the black and hispanic characters are the first to eat it (or ‘be eaten’ I guess).  This starts off a chain reaction of one stupid scenario more dumb then the next.

There’s just absolutely nothing fun or entertaining going on here.  The characters are such broad strokes with no development that we feel no attachment to them at all.  When they’re killed, it doesn’t affect you at all.  In fact there’s nothing in this entire film that you’ll connect with.  The whole time I was watching this cinematic abortion I was contemplating walking out of the theater (I saw it in the theater with one other person and he walked out after 15 minutes).  But I really wanted to review it, so I stayed.  I took a huge bullet for you all; please make my pain and suffering worth it.

Not convinced yet?  Well suck on all these reasons why blindness is preferable to watching SHARK NIGHT 3D:   A character who gets their arm ripped off by a shark out swims the shark back to shore (they have ONE ARM); the underwater scenes of the sharks attacking show the sharks swimming around, then stopping on a dime, and then attacking.  Let me repeat that, the sharks stop swimming in the water before attacking; the entire lake is like 20-30 feet deep but is full of killer sharks.  No one’s noticed this?; Discovery Channel’s Shark Week is a major plot point; a great white shark is held in a vey tiny cage that’s barely big enough to contain it.  Don’t sharks need to constantly swim around or they die?  Not this one!!; and so not to be out done by the SyFy Channel, we are privy to watching sharks jumping out of the water to kill people.

Top all this off with some very stupid plot twists that make absolutely no sense and a “big reveal” that makes even less sense and you’ve got yourself a reason to put a gun in your mouth.  I could go on and on, and to some of you this might all sound like a lot of fun in the “so bad it’s good” kinda way.  Nope.  Director David R. Ellis, who directed FINAL DESTINATION 2 and THE FINAL DESTINATION, manages to suck all the fun out of this film by taking it all way too seriously.  SyFy knows they’re making crappy, campy films so they make them fun.  There’s nothing entertaining about SHARK NIGHT 3D.  I really hated every second of it.  What’s that?  You think the nudity and gore will save this one.  Well this ain’t no PIRANHA 3D people!!  There’s ZERO GORE and the only bit of nudity we get is Blake’s naked ass as he’s posing for an art class.  Seriously?!!??  ‘Fraid so.

Still not convinced?  Still considering seeing SHARK NIGHT 3D?  Well this should have you running screaming.  I’m gonna give you the “big reveal” here people.  If you don’t wanna know the ‘reason’ how the sharks got into the lake and why they’re attacking, then stop reading and skip down to my summary.  [SPOILER AHEAD]:  The sharks were brought into the lake by Dennis and Carl (yup; the racist rednecks).  How did they get their hands on so many different species of sharks?  The writers didn’t say.  Why did they release all these killer sharks in the lake?  Ah-ha; now this I can answer [SPOILER WARNING]:  Dennis and Carl are making shark snuff films to sell on the internet.  Yeah you read that right.  They’re filming the sharks tearing apart people and making sharky snuff.  I’m not kidding.  I wish I were.  [END SPOILERS]

Just do yourself a favor and avoid this one.  It’s not fun on any level.  I can’t believe I spent over $10 to see SHARK NIGHT 3D.  I spent over $10 to see a flick that the goddamn SyFy Channel would reject.  Everything from the plot to the acting, the dialogue, and the f/x are lazy and insulting to the viewer.  SHARK NIGHT 3D makes the majority of SyFy Originals look like CITIZEN KANE!!  If I could poke out the memory of seeing SHARK NIGHT 3D by jamming a rusty coat hanger up my nose and into my brain, I’d do it in a heart beat.  Skip this one and forget all about it.  I absolutely hated SHARK NIGHT 3D!!

My Summary:

Director:  David R. Ellis (shame on you!!)

Plot:  0 out of 5 stars

Gore:  0 out of 10 skulls

Zombie Mayhem:  0 out of 5 brains

Reviewed by Scott Shoyer

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